This blog post won’t give you any answer or useful tip. The complete opposite, I’m looking for answers and advice myself.

I’ve always eaten more than the average girl. Been that way since I can remember. In high school, I would eat a massive sandwich as a mid-morning snack, while watching my classmates eat their sad two biscuits or a pack of plain crackers. And I’m talking about a real sandwich, a “panino”: real, thick bread, with real ham or mortadella or cheese or whatever. Sometimes I’d finish what was left of my friends’ crackers pack, too. I don’t know why I’m constantly hungry, I just am. I’ve always wondered how some girls managed to carry on with just a salad for lunch. Like, how do you survive?

I used to be kind of a serious athlete though. I was training 4 times a week, and running a 4 or 5km cross-country or mountain running competition every Sunday. So food wasn’t an issue: I was burning all the pasta I was eating. And as you can imagine, it was a lot of pasta. I didn’t even think food could become somewhat of a problem.

(Just to give you an idea, this is me finishing the pasta 5 of my friends had left in an hotel in Hamburg.)

When I first moved to uni, I stopped training. Firstly, because I couldn’t do mountain running any more (my favourite discipline); secondly, because I was a bit fed up with it. In the first three months I almost didn’t train at all. Bad idea, because I gained some weight. Not much, something like 5 kilos, and I didn’t even notice until one of my friends told me (I know right? Rude). Anyway, I went back home weighting 5 kilos more. You might think 5 kilos aren’t a big deal – it was for me. I kind of thought it was impossible for me to gain weight, yet I did. It was enough kilos to start me thinking that I had to be more careful.

When I got back I joined a gym and started training again, after a while got back into shape, even if it wasn’t that easy, And I still don’t like my body, I still think I have some stuff to work on. I went on a “diet”, which simply consists in not eating seven bars of chocolate per day. Okay, it’s not really a diet. I just try not to eat for three people every day. Which is still difficult for me.

Food is such an important part of my life, maybe because I’m Italian, maybe because I’m just obsessed. When I’m sad, or overwhelmed with uni stuff and assignments, thinking about what to eat or what to cook is one of the things that cheer me up. Eating till I feel like I’m going to explode also cheers me up.

So now that I know I can get fat like everyone else, now that I started thinking that my body is not “good” enough, now that I think that I still have to lose a couple of kilos, my relationship with food has become overly complicated. What do to you do when the thing that makes you happy, two hours later makes you feel bad? And how do you stop being obsessed with food?

I know I’m not the only one with this kind of problems. You’re probably thinking this isn’t even a real problem. There’s people out there with much bigger issues with food, I know. Maybe, I don’t even have the right to complain about my situation, but I kind of like complaining, so… To me, this feels like an existential crisis. I have no idea what to do. Do I go on a real diet and lose those two kilos? Or do I keep eating what I want and learn how to live with these two more kilos I, and only I, think I have to lose?

In the first case, I would be happy with my body at the end but sad all along the process (not eating chocolate makes me sad. It’s not “treating myself”, I just need it survive.) In the second one, I would be happy while eating, then feeling guilty after a few hours. It’s tricky. And I don’t think I could survive a real diet, honestly. For now, I just keep going to the gym as often as I can, I go four times a week, so I can burn everything I eat: at least, I’m not gaining weight. Or maybe I just need to start thinking about more serious stuff.

Confessions of a foodaholic