Doing all my laundry takes approximately 67 hours and 11 minutes.

Where it all starts is collecting my dirty clothes. If only it was as easy as emptying the laundry basket, but no, dirty clothes hide everywhere! Well, mostly in my drawers… I’m not being lazy when I’m placing my jumper I wore 13 times back in the drawer after carefully smelling it, I’m being precautious. Actually, no, I’m just thinking of the environment! Yeah, that’s it, the planet is dying and here I am doing laundry every weekend? Hell no, my generation has to be the one saving the Earth. So, I sacrifice myself and leave my laundry for another week, but in case the environmental problem gets worse - as it does - and I can’t do laundry the next week either, I need something to wear. So, I would rather not kill the planet, but wear that jumper the 14th time and leave the joys of having to go through the strenuous process of doing laundry for another week. Or two.

So, it’s important to always check the drawers before starting the next step. Once I grabbed all the items I need to wash, I attempt to separate the colours. No, I definitely don’t call my mum to help me which colour goes where every time. I just always happen to be on the phone with her and you know how mums are, they like to help. Don’t blame me, how does it make sense to put red with blacks, but blue to the “not-black-and-not-white-but-also-not-bright-colour-but-bright-red-with-white-in-it-is-fine” pile? But that one time... that one time… SHE DIDN’T PICK UP!! Like geeez Mom, when am I supposed to do my laundry if not at 1am on a Tuesday night...? But no need to panic, Dad is still up and I can always count on him! Well, I thought I can. Like honestly, what 52-year-old man with a family and two kids can’t do laundry? Clearly, my Dad. He fully thought his advice telling me to do a light colour and black colour pile would be useful. No, he doesn’t know where to put that emerald green shirt with some orange-tinted red patterns on it.  He said he washed grey with whites the other day when my mum wasn’t home and it was fine, he doesn’t understand why my mum didn’t talk to him for days after that…

Now onto the good part. You just put it in the washing machine and leave it there forever. Well, not forever but washing takes 30 minutes (yeah I always choose the fast wash option, after all, I’m only doing this so I can tell my mum I’m great at being independent and taking care of myself), and then drying takes bloody 3 hours 17 minutes. That together is 3 hours 47 minutes. WRONG. Let’s calculate this carefully including the time I leave my clothes there in the washing machine after the initial 30 minutes because I forgot about it, then I remember when I’m out but then get back in the house to sleep for 12 hours and.. new day, new me! I forget completely until I need something from the pile and then remember, go downstairs, see a new magazine “Medway Matters” we got through the post (let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to have a cheeky flip-through), so I get distracted and then I’m hungry and make some food. I’m sitting at the table eating dinner, looking out the window, wondering about the big things in life - like why does this kid think the best place to hide in a hide-and-seek is behind our bins, - forgetting about all the problems in life (like laundry). My housemate appears with his clothes in his hands! I’m wondering if it’s his first attempt or maybe he tried earlier, but was hoping that the laundry I started 25 hours ago is done now (high hopes, mate). I’m trying to act casual eating my toast while I get up, check the machine and say: “Ah, looks like washing is done now, I just have to dry it, will be done soon.”

And I only have to do it all over again with 3 other piles of clothes.


Me and my laundry