My year in England has been exceptional so far, except the occasional speed bumps like getting 58 marks on “certain” pieces of work. Or a random kid yelling profanities at me thinking I’m Chinese, which to be fair didn’t really upset me. Or the few times the CFJ has been closed when I wanted to get work done, and no amount of crying to the security guard would open it.


I came to this country with a lot of worries. I was worried I wouldn’t survive the cold, I wouldn’t be able to cook for myself, worried I would never figure out how to do my laundry, worried I wouldn’t function without a car because I hate any form of physical exertion, worried I wouldn’t make any friends because of my very loud mouth, but the biggest worry was: I’d lose my religion.


I was born into a Muslim family, and I grew up with those values, I never drank, never did drugs, didn’t eat or do anything haram (forbidden). I’d like to believe I have been a very good Muslim.

Then I came here. I realised all my worries were unfounded, I managed to cook, clean (not a lot, but enough), do my laundry, I found the inspiration to walk those 13 minutes from Liberty Quays to university. And I made great friends.

I remember walking into the CFJ the first day and instantly judging the people whom I now call best friends, “too happy” “too annoying” “too self involved” “weird accent” “who dresses like that?” “Maybe put some makeup on?”

To those who know me, it may seem like I’m describing myself.

Thankfully, these lovely people accepted me, and I felt no peer pressure ever to do anything wrong. In fact, if I quote my friends, “You are so hyper without being drunk, I don’t think the world can deal with drunk you. You’d get super angry and just physically fight everyone.” So thankfully, mostly because the world can’t take it, I haven’t lost my religion. Yet.

I think the best thing about being sober when all your friends are drunk is that while they indulge in being completely retarded while drunk, and very conveniently forget everything the next day. I remember exactly what they did, and like that kid you don’t want, I remind them of the mistakes they made.

I have the consent of everyone I am now going to describe, but out of respect and also to save myself from their wrath, I will not be naming anyone. But I will be mentioning what Hoogwarts houses they’re in. Here goes nothing.

There is the one Hufflepuff who gets really pumped, drunk or not. But when drunk, little Huffles who is usually very peace loving, so peace loving that we always try to make Huffles mad, just to see if it is possible (it’s not), s/he dares everyone to punch him/her in the face. Since I am the only person s/he thinks is capable of violence s/he says, “But come on man! I’ll punch you back.” I’d rather not.

And then tiny little Huffles, with the tiniest little hands will say something really offensive and then quickly grab one of us, forcefully put our heads on his/her shoulder and say in a very loud voice “IT’S OKAYYY LAAAAA.”

Huffles doesn’t understand the concept of sleep. Huffles like me… will sleep when dead.

Then there’s the quiet and very efficient Ravenclaw, who drinks like a fish, gets very drunk, starts to dance. Now, it’s very hard to describe this dance, because Ravenclaw is just sitting and moving his/her hands rather robotically. We didn’t realise how much of a blessing the fact that Ravenclaw sits and dances was, until s/he stood up to dance, started to move around very energetically and broke the oven in someone else’s flat. Well, no worries.

This Ravenclaw also occasionally sends very elaborate messages to us when drunk, puts statuses on Facebook, sometimes even uploads pictures of us, expressing their love and appreciation, and how their life would be incomplete without us. S/he also just chooses the most random spots to pass out: a park bench, the floor of someone’s kitchen, just right outside my flat making it difficult for me to get in? That’s a yes to all of them.

Then there’s the other Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw 2: this one when sober does not pick up any cues. Someone may be walking towards them arms wide open, clearly suggesting the desire to hug him/her, but Ravenclaw will walk past. Ravenclaw saves their happiness, feelings, interest and expressions for us. S/he doesn’t have the time to waste it on the world. Ravenclaw doesn’t believe in God. But when drunk, Ravenclaw once asked me for the Quran. But in contradiction s/he also once forced me to ask a girl out. It was a very confusing night. The details of which no one should ever go in to.  All that needs to be said is that I’m still a very good Muslim.

Then there’s the other friend, who I really think should have been a Slytherin, so that’s what they are, the Slytherin. Slytherin literally has one facial expression Once high, Slytherin becomes very loving, invites everyone to sleep in his/her bed, not just sleep, but do whatever we want in that bed. No limits. Peeing in that bed would be fine too. S/he also sometimes threatens to make out with me. Which is okay, we all just hope they’re empty threats.  Slytherin also has a thing for red hair, it’s an obsession that’s/he has failed to catch on, but we see you Slytherin! We see EVERYTHING!

Then there’s the outcast. The Gryffindor, this particular friend is always competing with Huffles to make the best puns. While it comes to Huffles naturally, Gryffindor really has to struggle. Another intriguing fact about Gryffindor is that his/her left eye slowly begins to fall asleep the more drunk s/he gets. That was one of the first things I pointed out when I met Gryffindor, but Gryffindor despite having given evidence refused to acknowledge it. Gryffindor is most definitely my favourite; s/he just giggles when high, and looks at this other Ravenclaw 3 (also known as Breadcrumbs) while s/he is high and stuffing his/her face with food. (more on that later) Or Gryffindor will threaten to beat up Huffles, or the two will decide to suddenly play hide and seek, and I will return to find them sitting on top of my fridge. To be fair, I can’t find many flaws in Gryffindor. Gryffindor is the child I never had. Or wanted, but now I do. So whatevs!

Then there’s the actual Slytherin, Slytherin is the most literal person you will ever meet. Once Gryffindor told Slytherin that if s/he wanted to be part of the barbecue crew (Yes, we barbecue almost every week.) s/he would have to get specifically 59 potatoes, 1 pea, 14 onions and carrots.  5 minutes later I got a call from Slytherin asking if I would go with him/her to buy 59 potatoes because Gryffindor specifically asked. I encouraged this misunderstanding, and s/he ended up at the barbecue with 20 potatoes and an apology, “I’m sorry guys, I couldn’t buy 59, but I think this should be enough, also I couldn’t get them to give me one pea.” When Slytherin is high, s/he will completely refute it, but won’t stop dancing or singing loudly. In-de-nile…. Ain’t just a river in Egypt.

And lastly, we have Breadcrumbs, or Ravenclaw 3. Breadcrumbs.... I don't have much insight on... but Breadcrumbs eats EVERYTHING s/he sees once high/drunk.... hence the name breadcrumbs.... because s/he ate a box of breadcrumbs when s/he was high. S/he loses all sense of diplomacy when high and speaks the truth about everything and everyone... which never goes down well... but we have learnt to love him/her and honestly... life just wouldn't be the same without him/her.

And that's all I will say.... so this is an ode to the amazing friends I made... to the friends who have become family.... as someone really wisely said to me... <3 much love guys... life won't be the same after this year ends.... I didn't know I was capable of feeling compassion, attachment or anything for other people... especially considering you'll are... you know.... O_O but I did... and I hope no one other than us reads this blog post because COME ON!!! NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT OUR INHERENT AWESOMENESS!!!

















That one sober friend in a group of drunks